As Nathan and I are celebrating 16 years together this week, I thought I’d pass on a few nuggets of wisdom to any other people who may be contemplating starting one of those teenage relationships. It’s what the older generation are meant to do, right? But before we get onto those vital tips, here’s the link to of the toddler-friendly cafe poll:
So, onto my top 10 tips for teen romance…
1) For girls: Isn’t it awkward when you first have to tell your parents that you have a new boyfriend? Why not skip out this awkward stage by having your first kiss in front of your mother? If you haven’t so much as had a conversation with the guy, even better!
2) For guys: Asking a girl’s name twice is a bit embarrassing, especially after you’ve snogged them. Nowadays, you have these mobile devices – why not write it down for future reference?
3) For girls: Don’t you worry about how your parents might embarrass you the first time you bring a guy home? Well, let him see your father drunkenly dancing at a teen party before you get together. It gets all that embarrassment out of the way quick!
4) For guys: If you kiss the little sister of someone who is much bigger and tougher than you, you have two options. A) Get beaten up B) Marry her. Your choice. But beware, you never know when that beating’s coming. A few decades and kids down the line, it might still happen…
5) For girls: Don’t write off the guy who’s spinning in a circle doing a “dizzy dance”. He may be sweaty and drunk, but he’s got a cool blur t-shirt. That could be the father of your children.
6) For guys: If possible, make sure that the girl you kiss at a party was in the same nativity play as you when you were kids. That’ll provide hours of entertainment later on.
7) For girls: If your mother starts asking awkward questions about that guy she just saw you kissing, get your friend to vomit all over her car. That’ll distract her.
8) For guys: Do you get nervous before approaching a girl that you like? Wait till everyone rushes outside, and then hoover up all their abandoned pints on the bar. That’ll give you some courage.
9) For girls: Another great tactic for avoiding attention when flirting with a guy is to get a lynch mob of people to strip your brother naked outside. Beware – you may end up arguing with your brother’s best friend because he won’t give him his trousers back.
10) For guys: When it comes to magical first date venues, nothing screams romance like Basingstoke. That’s why they call it the “Medium-sized town of Love”.
There you go – a definitive guide to finding the guy or girl of your dreams when you’re a hapless teenager. You can thank me all you like, but I will be taking a small commission for every marriage these amazing tips produce. That’s amore.